i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
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