How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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