I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
His hands were made for my vagina.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
