So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize