its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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