New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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