I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
