girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
