I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
