I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
