apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
