Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
