you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
