He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
