Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
