Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
