I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
