K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
