Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
