if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
