I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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