i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
