I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
