I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
