I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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