i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
