i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
