Don't make out with my wife yet
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
