I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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