she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
