before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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