Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
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