Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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