Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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