Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
