I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
