I love having hate sex.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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