I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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