Four minutes until I can fart!
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
