You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
