dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
