i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Are my feet made of real feet?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
