Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
