I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
