Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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