She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I will pee on everything he values.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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