The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
