His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
areolas are like halos for boobs.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
