i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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