And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
